1001 things for my future ex-wife

People who feed pigeons should be turned into Soylent Green.

I hate the word exotic as much as you hate the word moist.

Please don’t ever write “In lieu of gifts…” on anything that bears
my name. It is a bit pretentious to assume that gifts will be
forthcoming and insulting to presume to tell gift givers what to do
with their money.

My favorite part of live albums is often the excited audience
member(s) who is screaming so loudly they inadvertently get recorded.

Unless restricted by corporate policy, create email out of office
replies that have flair and style.

It is not a “mid-life crisis car”. It is a, “I’ve wanted one of these
since I was a little boy and now have the means to purchase one and
the proper garage to store it in - car.”

You can’t be taken seriously if you are complaining about the cold
while wearing a skirt that stops well above your knees.

Don’t ask questions you can’t answer.

Anonymous asked: $2000 watches are incredibly tacky, agreed? Either find something serviceable for less than $100, or have something perfect that will probably run close to or in excess of 5 figures, and have the portfolio to back that up, right?

Disagree, strongly. Cheap watches are exactly that cheap. A man should purchase whatever will bring a smile to his face whenever he goes for a time check. If that is a $2,000 watch, then so be it. What’s tacky is telling someone how much your watch or any other accessory costs.

I never really understood the overly expensive watch thing as I treat my watches like tools and abuse them. Expensive watches that can’t get wet and I have to take off to during the normal course of my day seem silly to me. The FEW can have all the diamond encrusted baubles she wants.

The secret to me is simple…. Match my audacity